Going it alone

How life can change in a split second! One minute a wife the next, a widow. Sally Curtis gives us to a few suggestions on how to “deal with” the new widow.

Sally on her wedding day

The death, sudden or otherwise, of a partner is a shock to put it mildly. In my case, although “OH” had heart problems for many years, I didn’t expect that morning just over a year ago to wake up to the sound of him hitting the bathroom floor; by the time I got there he was dead, and from that moment life took on a completely different direction.

For the next few days I was on auto and became extraordinarily high, presumably the result of the shock. Wonderful friends held the fort until the family gradually arrived from far and wide, as did the messages of condolence, phone calls and flowers – hundreds of them – so many that the house resembled a flower shop, all of which was very comforting. Neighbours, friends and family were all so supportive but gradually, as time passes, you have to go it alone and “alone” is not a place I would choose to be.

A few suggestions on how to “deal with” the new widow (from my perspective of course!)

1. Do talk to her – do not cross the road, she won’t bite – if she bursts into tears, that’s normal so don’t be embarrassed. Do not be surprised if she laughs hysterically – it’s all part of the grieving process.

2. Flowers/messages of support/bottles of wine/champagne etc. are more than welcome, but perhaps consider that it may be nice to send some of them a week or so after the funeral once the family have gone, the house is empty and quiet apart from the grieving widow, all the other flowers have died and bottles of wine have been consumed by dipsomaniac daughters.

3. When you suggest a lunch/coffee/dinner party please do go ahead and arrange it. There is nothing worse than an event being suggested which doesn’t materialise. Remember, the widow is suddenly completely and utterly alone and yearns for human contact – especially at weekends.

4. If you offer to cut down the creeper at the front of the house/move a load of logs/fix the broken back gate – please do it; although this widow can manage most things it is lovely to have an offer of help and it can be bit of a let-down if she has to do it anyway.

5. Don’t imagine that she has “got over it” after a few months have gone by. She hasn’t. If you are passing the house, please ring the bell and call in for a chat. Include her in visits to the pub or to the cinema or just for a walk to the park and back.

6. Be patient, understanding and encouraging. It’s almost like reverting to childhood when you need to be told what to do.

The year has now passed and all the “firsts” have been got through – birthdays, anniversary, Christmas, death and I can no longer say “this time last year we were…” Grief is a strange visitor: we all have to face it at some point in our lives and will all cope in our own particular way and have different expectations. The future looks bleak one day and optimistic the next, but life will certainly never ever be the same again.

Sally Curtis

Opening up new worlds

If you find it difficult to get about, then the internet can be a great source of friendship and chat. Gransnet is a prime example and is excellent for older people who have even a smattering of computer or Ipad ability, particularly if they live alone or are less mobile than they used to be. If you are hesitant to learn how, here at last is a good reason for becoming computer and internet literate. There is usually someone online chatting all day and a lot of the night.

Gransnet Edinburgh Poster

Last year, after 49 years of marriage, I lost my dear husband. I don’t need to tell you what that was like, it is an experience shared with many people of our age. My family were wonderfully supportive, as were my friends and neighbours, and I began to rebuild a new life.

I shopped on my own with a wheeled trolley instead of a car (I don’t drive) and I used my bus pass to travel around on my own. I kept hospital appointments on my own and waited, on my own, for test results. I met friends for meals and coffee, cooked for my family when they could visit, ate with them when I could visit them. They work hard and have their own commitments and responsibilities, and are scattered about, but they keep in touch and include me in many things.

But when you live alone, the evenings are very long, and you can’t keep phoning the same busy people to keep you company. However, I had a lifeline. I had joined Gransnet while my husband was terminally ill, and had made some good online friends. When I could not sleep I could go online and check in, and there was usually someone sitting up late or awake early to chat to. After he died, there were many messages of love and support from others who had travelled the same road and knew how it felt.

Then four of us decided to meet in person and get lunch out in Edinburgh. That was such fun that we have met again several times, joined by a few more online friends. I can truthfully say that I have dozens of friends on Gransnet, some of whom I have met, some are just penpals, all of them are excellent company.

What do we talk about online? Everything you would talk about over a cup of tea or across the garden fence. Well, yes, everyone likes to talk about their grandchildren, that is why it is called Gransnet, but we talk about far more than that, conversations have included such topics as divergent as universal benefits, to how to un-stick a sticker!

The national Gransnet site has been going for about two years now, as a social networking website for older people, and has over 500,000 page views a month. Now local pages have been launched for about 20 areas, from Southwest England to Edinburgh. So far Edinburgh is the only Scottish site but others are planned, and other Scots are welcomed there.

Oh, I nearly forgot an important feature – several meetings are being planned by people who live in the same area (or even far away from each other – invitations are not exclusive) The next Edinburgh one will be on 11th May at the Cafe in the National Gallery on the Mound, and will be a very informal coffee and cake session, for existing members and those thinking of joining. These meetings are usually very lively and fun affairs, with much chat and consumption of tea and coffee and cakes, and sometimes other beverages.

Eleanor Anderson,
Gransnet Local Editor – Edinburgh

Contact edinburgh@gransnetlocal.com for more information about Gransnet Edinburgh either online or in real life!

There’s a moose, loose about this hoose

Guest blogger Pat Craig considers how to deal with uninvited rodent visitors.

A mouse

I was admiring the pastry decoration when it moved! The tiniest mouse had strayed into the window display and was happily chomping through a steak pie. A crowd of spectators were enjoying the spectacle until the butcher charged at it, wielding a large cleaver!
You’ve got to admire the little blighters but you don’t want one in your home. They have no compunction about moving in whether you live in a mansion or a hovel. David Cameron reportedly hurled several expletives along with a missile at one strolling across the cabinet office in No 10.

However if you’re Musophobic like me you just want them as far away from your home as possible, pronto, but how?

Let’s dispel some myths. They can climb so don’t think you’re immune if you live on the top floor. They can squeeze through a space as narrow as a pencil. They breed like rabbits and sing in harmony but at too high a pitch for us to hear. Although sociable, they are not Jerry, Mickey or even Rasta, despite what some people, who actually feed them, believe. They eat through cables causing fires and of course eat our food defecating as they go so contaminating it.

They can see you but you may only ever see them out of the corner of your eye hence why you convince yourself that you must have imagined it. You’re unlikely to hear them unless they are trapped in the walls when you’ll be all too aware of their scratching. The only sign of their presence may be small black droppings where they’ve been running. And if you have mobility difficulties or arthritis, it can be difficult to check for further evidence in the likely places, such as under the sink or kitchen kick plates. Then of course there is the difficulty about trying to get someone to fill in all the holes where they are getting in.

Getting a cat may work but there are some felines who are happy to share their food bowl and who will delight in depositing their ‘kill’ at your feet. If you choose a ‘humane’ trap remember someone has to release it far enough from your house to make sure it doesn’t get ‘home’ before you! Electronic devices create noise pitched high enough to force them to move elsewhere, but do you dislike your neighbours that much!

There’s the good old, ‘Little Nipper’, which will snap your ‘intruder’ as it eats the bait – but you have to be brave enough to spring the trap to release the body and dispose of it. Then there’s poison, easy and generally unobtrusive provided you’re not tortured by thoughts of them dying a lonely, lingering death behind the skirting boards or under the floor.

You can abdicate responsibility to the experts. When I took this route my local Council, after informing me that this was a chargeable service dispatched an expert who arrived with the manner of a discreet undertaker, carrying a plain black holdall containing enough poison to take out a small town!

Job done!

Are you worried that you might have a pest problem?

You should be able to get advice and help in tackling pests from the environmental health department of your local Council. Some, but not all, may charge. You can also get useful online information from Shelter and the British Pest Control Association.

Should pensioners pay more tax?

Lindsay Scott considers a new report from the Fabian Society that says old age is no longer a proxy for poverty and pensioners should pay more tax.

Pensioners should “share the pain” of austerity cuts and pay more tax to promote inter-generational fairness in the housing market, because high levels of home ownership among older people is unfair as middle-income workers’ wages stagnate and they cannot afford to buy a home.

This is the gist of a report produced by the left-of-centre think tank, the Fabian Society, which analysed data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (Elsa) and came up with recommendations such as increasing pensioners’ taxes, cutting benefits, introducing a tax on property wealth and scrapping the Westminster Government’s “triple-lock” guarantee, which keeps pensions rising in line with the highest measure of inflation.

The paper, part of a series produced for the Hanover housing charity, suggests that the majority of older people are neither wealthy baby-boomers with “a surfeit of wealth and leisure” nor “pensioners on the breadline facing poverty, isolation and ill health”, so there should be a “presumption of equality” as “old age is no longer a proxy for poverty”.

Some of the Fabian Society’s suggestions may be worth exploring – it can be argued that it is illogical for wealthy pensioners to get untaxed hand-outs such as winter fuel payments while welfare payments to millions are squeezed. Benefits in kind, such as bus passes for people aged over 60 and free television licences for those over 75 are also something that could potentially be taxed.

But universal benefits can only be clawed back in tax if people have sufficient income, and the fact is there are only around 200,000 UK pensioners in the higher rate tax bracket and most of the country’s 11 million plus pensioners have much lower incomes, so the amount of money raised would not amount to anything near the £7.2 billion annually that the report predicts.

Scotland’s 1.2 million pensioners have undoubtedly made a significant contribution to our society and economy and will continue to do so in years to come, and it can be difficult for older people to change their financial plans as their options are likely to be very limited. They have also contributed national insurance payments throughout their working lives to receive in return a state pension that ensures a financial safety net but little more. So we shouldn’t be sparking inter-generational conflict by punishing home-owning pensioners – forcing them to downsize or face ever-higher taxes, but rather should be addressing the reasons why home ownership is decreasing among younger groups.

Supply is not meeting demand partly because planning laws are too stringent and stamp duty rates are sky-high. Perhaps another reason for younger groups not owning their own homes is the high and rising cost of housing in England and Wales, and particularly the south of England. Among those in the bottom half of the income distribution graph, housing costs are 25% higher in England and Wales than Scotland. A decade ago the gap was 10%.

Remember, everyone ages, so whatever taxes are introduced for today’s pensioners will also affect future generations of pensioners. It is fundamentally wrong to shift the burden onto a single group, regardless of which generation it is. People in later life are no more advantaged or disadvantaged a group than any other in society.

Lindsay Scott is Age Scotland Communication and Campaigns Manager

Who would care for your pet if you weren’t around?

At the Scottish SPCA, we care for every kind of animal, including those who sadly find themselves without a home when their owner passes away.

Giving owners peace of mind that their pets will be looked after should they outlive them.

We understand how important pets are to their owners and that their love, loyalty and companionship make them part of the family.

Indeed, pets are often the only family many people have. We also appreciate how incredibly upsetting it can be for people living on their own to think there is no one to care for their pet when they’re gone.

That’s why we offer our free Forever Care service. Through Forever Care we’re able to give owners peace of mind that their pets will be looked after should they outlive them.
Signing up to Forever Care means that, if the worst happens, we will look after your pet and do all we can to find them a loving new home. We’ll look after them in our rescue and rehoming centres and must stress that we never put a healthy animal to sleep.

Recently, an elderly lady who had signed up to Forever Care sadly passed away, leaving behind her jack russell terrier named Mr Tosh.

We took Mr Tosh in and looked after him until we found him a new home. We’re sure Mr Tosh’s previous owner took comfort knowing we would find someone who would love and care for her beloved pet as she had.

It’s quick and easy to sign up to Forever Care. It’s also entirely free. You don’t have to leave a donation to the Scottish SPCA.

Our information pack has everything you need to know about our service. All you have to do is complete a short form and send it back to us in the freepost envelope we’ll provide.
While we ask for the most important information about pets such as their name and their age, some owners also provide extra details, such as their pet’s nickname or favourite food. It’s great to know these things as they can help a pet settle into their new home.

We always advise anyone signing up to Forever Care to ensure their next of kin or anyone else close to them is aware of their wishes for their pet. Everyone who signs up will be sent a Forever Care card to let people know they wish to use our service.

Last year we rehomed a staggering 6,248 animals to loving homes and we have rescue and rehoming centres throughout Scotland.

We’re proud to be able to give pet owners reassurance that their animals will be okay even after they’re gone. If you’d like more information about our Forever Care service, please call 03000 999 999 (option 4) or email forever@scottishspca.org.

Chief Superintendent Mike Flynn
Scottish SPCA

Pity the Older Veggie!

Guest blogger Tina Fox from Vegetarian for Life calls for more Veggie-friendly catering for older people.

Preparing vegetarian food.

As we get older there are often problems to face with our diet – appetites change, we may want to eat less but more often, we may fancy different foods than we used to or even not fancy anything at all. Of course we may also be on a restricted income which may affect our choices.

Later on, the choice may be made to receive home care and perhaps a home meals service or even go into care or to sheltered housing with a meals service.

All this is difficult enough generally but even worse for those who have chosen a vegetarian or vegan diet for ethical, religious or health reasons. Living at home may not present too many problems while still able to cook as vegetarian ingredients tend to be less expensive than meat and to store better but once reliant on a meals service things will change. Even the best providers have only a choice of five to ten vegetarian meals and would you really want to keep reliving your dinners like Groundhog Day?

Care homes and sheltered schemes can be even worse – imagine if you are sole vegetarian in a group of 30 to 50 residents, you may be considered a nuisance or an inconvenience and the chef is unlikely to have much experience in cooking for your diet so you are likely to end up with egg or cheese at every meal, not healthy or enjoyable long term.

Fortunately with a bit of support most care homes can come up with inventive recipes which are healthy and can be enjoyed by all residents not only the vegetarian or vegan ones – Vegetarian for Life, established as a charity in 2007, provides lots of training and recipe leaflets to support this, available also to those providing home catering. We provide a service to help older vegetarians and vegans find a vegetarian friendly home and we provide grants to help them live independently and avoid the need to leave their home.

Vegetarian for Life provides a general information and advocacy service working on behalf of older vegetarians and vegans throughout the UK. Our latest publication, due out in May, will be cooking on a budget, with hints and tips as to how to cook tasty and nutritious meals using minimum finance in this difficult climate.

Further information www.vegetarianforlife.org.uk.

New Lords committee report a wake-up call to government

Following a new report on demographic change by the House of Lords, Age Scotland’s Lindsay Scott asks if the nation is ready for an ageing population. 

The UK government is ignoring the social and economic challenges presented by an ageing society, a Lords committee has warned, stating that the fact that people are living longer, whilst offering benefits for many, also threatens a series of crises unless action is taken to mitigate the impact on public services.

Ready for Ageing?, a ground-breaking report by the House of Lords select committee on public service and demographic change, is the first coherent attempt to provide a passport for older life that treats the over-60s as active citizens, and not as passive recipients of government largesse and a looming threat to anyone younger.

It points out in stark terms what Age Scotland has been arguing for over many years, namely that big changes in pensions, health care and employment practices are urgently needed if people are to be able to sustain a good quality of life as they age, and is the first time a group of senior UK policymakers has shown a grasp of the scale and nature of change needed across our society in response to the gift of longer lives, from which everyone will benefit.

The report argues forcefully that the status quo has to change. Among the measures it suggests are a White Paper, cross-party commissions, changes to employment, pensions, housing and financial preparation for old age and, crucially, a “remarkable shift” in the NHS, to properly join up health and social care (and hopefully put a fair value on care itself – as older people need to be cared about, not just cared for).

The committee is calling on Westminster to set out its thinking on the UK’s ageing population before the next election and for all parties to consider the implications for public spending, in their next election manifestos. Whoever is in power after the next election, the committee said, should establish independent commissions to examine how pension and savings provisions could be increased, how equity release could be better exploited and how funding for social care could be improved.

Whilst some of the major policy areas covered in the report, such as health & social care and housing are devolved to Holyrood, pensions, benefits and employment are not. Reminding us that the generations are inextricably bound together, not citizens of hostile nations, the report concludes by calling for leadership, vision and new initiatives.

Whether these will be forthcoming of course remains to be seen.